more bipolar disorder and fertility jokes

Fun Things to do at a Therapist’s Office
1.Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
2.Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor. 3.Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
4.Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don’t like.
5.After everything he says, say, “And how does that make you feel?” 6.Point at random things and say, “Where did you get that?”
7.Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.
8.Repeat over and over, “I’m not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!”
9.Sit underneath your chair.
10.Stand on your head.
11.Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.
12.Never stop smiling.
13.Scream every word.
14.Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc…
15.Put your shoes on the wrong feet.
16.Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.
17.Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
18.Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.
19.Eat his books.
20.Talk to his leg.
21.Don’t face him when he talks to you.
22.Talk really slowly.
23.Try to eat your hand.
24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap. 25.Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.
26.Pretend you hear music.
27.Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
28.Pretend to drink.
29.Offer him an imaginary cookie.

Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won’t ask for directions either!

You know you are trying to get pregnant when:
You look at your vegetarian sandwich and the alfalfa sprouts look like sperm . . .or . . . Someone asks you today’s date and you reply “Day 21” .

How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Screw in a lightbulb! Hmmm . . . do you think it might help? . . . How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but I don’t know how they would get in there.

Getting the Mechanics
There was an Reproductive Endocrinologist who decided he no longer wanted to practice. Instead he wanted to restore old cars. To prepare himself for this career change, he signed up for a mechanics course in engine repair. He studied really hard, and the day arrived for the final exam. The task was to find out what was wrong with the engine and repair it. The RE took a little longer than the rest of the class, but he got the job done. A couple of days later he went to see how he did. Up on the wall, beside his name he saw a mark of 150%. He was really puzzled so he went to the instructor. “How can this be?” he asked. The instructor replied, “Well, I gave you 50 points for figuring out the problem, and 50 points more for solving the problem. BUT I had to give you an extra 50 points for doing all the work through the exhaust pipe!”

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year old mother says, “not yet.” A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, “not yet.” Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”
And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”
And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?” The new mother says, “Because I forgot where I put it!”

more bipolar disorder jokes and fertility jokes

Hello! Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.

If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press since no one will answer.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.

If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to help worthless people like you.

And thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline!

The little boy kept telling his teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
Then one day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The boy was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?” Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommie ate it!

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than for a women? Because when it’s time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

An American man is riding a train in a European country. His seatmate knows some English, and they end up chatting. The seatmate asks if the American has children. The American says no.
“Ah, so sad,” says the European. “Your wife, she is impregnable?” “Well, um, that’s not exactly the word,” says the American. “Oh!” interrupts the European. “I mean, she is inconceivable?” “Um, not quite –” the American begins, only to be interrupted again. “Oh, no, that isn’t right,” says the European. “She is, what is it, she is unbearable?” “Well, actually, that’s pretty much sums it up,” says the American.

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you if its still okay…”
“I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it at all,” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs ? A: You’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all

Q: Should I have a baby after 35 ?
A. No, 35 children is way too many already

A new Mom took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. She dressed her in pink from head to toe. At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases around her. At the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them. The child was crying and begging for some special treat. He wants some candy or gum and his mother won’t let him have any, she thought.
Then she heard his mother’s reply. “No!” she said, looking in her direction. “You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!”

My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this? ~Your therapist.

The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on
mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Madness takes its toll.
Please have exact change.

Hypochondria is the only illness that I don’t have.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I don’t suffer from stress.
I’m a carrier.

“Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.”

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”

bipolar disorder jokes and fertility jokes

You May Be Bipolar If…….

* The sun is too loud.
* Trees begin to chase you.
* You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
* You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
* You can hear mimes.
* You can achieve a “Runner’s High” by sitting up.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
* Things become “Very Clear.”
* You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your order to go. * You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chandeliers can understand.
* The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
* You keep yelling “STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!” even though you are the only one in the room.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
* You and Reality file for divorce.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You can skip without a rope.
* It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code. * You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You can travel without moving.
* Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
* You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

Solo rhythm

This week I was living solo. My dear husband had to attend a family wedding out of the country. I was stuck at home with doctor’s appointments due to fertility treatments and a bad bladder infection. I started to wonder if my tenuous sanity could withstand a week and a half of solitude. Would I start to crack and no one would know? Would I be talking to myself just to manage my anxiety?

I allowed myself one evening of sulking. (Well, okay… that and a few afternoons of eating too much junk food… mainly pretzels, dark chocolate, and Good-n-Plenty licorice.) Then I buckled down and told myself, "I can stay sane if I try to keep life as regular as possible." Change causes stress, so limiting change can limit stress. I began to realize that my life has developed some actual routines. Maybe it’s not as chaotic as it used to be. My husband has been instrumental in bringing a healthier rhythm to my life, but that doesn’t mean that the drumbeat has to stop when he’s out of town. I’ve got it down now. I can keep rhythm (and "rhythm" sounds so much better than "routine", doesn’t it?)

I guess my life will probably never include as much structure as I would like. I can have so much energy for a couple of days, and then I’ll feel completely zapped of strength and motivation for a couple of days (almost like being physically ill) so forming good habits can be taking two steps forward and one step back…or honestly very often two steps forward and two steps right back! Having bipolar disorder always keeps life interesting. Okay… so I confess. I did get a bit out of rhythm this week. I’m still in drumming basics I guess, but recognizing the rhythms I have developed with my husband gave me targets to shoot for each day (for example, getting to bed by 9:30 each night.) And I must not have skipped too many beats because tomorrow my husband comes home and I think I’m still sane!!!! What are your rhythms that help keep you in step with sanity?

Guilt, guilt, go away…Don’t come back another day

Sometimes I think too much. What did I do that caused my infertility? Why is my ovarian reserve so low when I’m only 34? Was it all that exposure to cleaning chemicals when I used to clean houses? Or what about all that house painting I did, those strong glues I used, and those moth balls that had warnings about reproductive harm? Was it those years in my twenties when I didn’t eat a balanced diet and survived on caffeine and adrenaline? Was it the years I spent in China breathing in extremely polluted air? Is it because I took Advil daily for almost one year when I had arthritis pain?

Questions…questions…questions…It’s normal to wonder. It’s good to be curious. My psychiatrist says some questions don’t have answers and we’ll just never know. I guess feeling guilty isn’t all that helpful if it’s not going to lead to positive change. It’s possible that it’s nothing I did. The important thing is that I’m taking care of my health now. I’m eating right, getting enough sleep, practicing stress relief and not obsessing over every little thing that might harm me or my future babies.

I think I’m going to add to my morning affirmations: "My infertility is not my fault!" Maybe if I say it outloud to myself enough times, that menacing feeling of guilt will go away and not come back.

Alternative Treatments for Infertility

I’m all about going natural. I clean my home with natural cleaners that I mix myself. I wash my hair with baking soda. I don’t wear perfume anymore. I don’t use chemical air fresheners. There are lots of things I do to be "green" and to not pollute my body or my environment with xenoestrogens. Sometimes I get kind of radical in trying to be natural. So… of course I explored alternative treatments for infertility before going the high-tech (unnatural) route.

Hmmm. This is where it gets complicated. Those of us with bipolar disorder already struggle to maintain equilibrium. Many people assume that natural treatments don’t have side effects and that they are much gentler than conventional medical treatments. Sometimes those assumptions are true. Unfortunately, sometimes natural treatments do have side effects. Many natural treatments interact with other medicines, so I cannot emphasize enough how crucial it is to take a list of all the medications and supplements you’re taking to your doctor or pharmacist for them to check for interactions.

One of the first infertility treatments I tried was vitex (chaste tree berry). It’s probably the most common natural fertility helper on the market in the U.S. I bought the liquid form which is supposed to be more effective. When I read the fine print on the label, I saw a note that it cannot be taken with antipsychotics. At the time, I was completely off all medications for bipolar disorder, so I was okay. Now I’m taking an antipsychotic again to help me sleep, so I wouldn’t be able to take vitex. I also developed symptoms similar to a stomach ulcer while I was taking vitex so I had to discontinue it. Anyway, it didn’t help me to get pregnant.

I also tried a huge list of supplements that were supposed to make me healthier overall, thereby making me more fertile. I won’t go into all of them here, but three supplements specifically affected my mood swings. Extra B vitamins sent me into hypomania and made it nearly impossible to sleep. Ditto for Co Q-10. So now I’m afraid to take either of them. Fish oil seemed to help keep me balanced when I took it in low doses. If I took as many capsules as recommended on the bottle, I would become hypomanic. Not good.

So good ahead… research everything and once you’re well-informed you can try a few natural treatments before going to a reproductive endocrinologist. Once you go to an R.E. though, you usually have to stop ALL (and I really mean ALL) supplements, except for a prenatal vitamin. My R.E. won’t even let me take extra vitamin D! That’s okay. The most NATURAL sources of vitamins and supplements are from the sources themselves like real food and real sunshine! How more natural can you get?

Low-tech “Life Support” for the Long Haul

There is great value in meeting face to face with other people struggling with infertility. Web forums are great, but the support can be erratic and impersonal at times. Why not go to a real, live support group where you know you’ll get a warm, understanding response instantaneously to whatever you need to vent about or inquire about? Yes, it takes effort to get there, but it will make you feel soooo good… it’s even better than a manicure or pedicure and it’s free! Think of it as pampering yourself because we all know we need that right now.

The clinic I go to has a super support group that meets weekly. It’s so good, in fact, that people from other clinics are coming to our clinic to join in! We can talk about EVERYTHING and EVERY PERSON who comes is given attention! We laugh together about being magnets for pregnant women. You know the deal: you sit down on a park bench… and there are twenty possible places for her to plop down, but where does a woman who’s about a week away from going into labor sit down? Right next to you, of course! Everyone knows that infertile women are magnets for very pregnant women. (We’re also magnets for women who’ve had 3 or 4 babies all within the last five years, but that’s another story).

We also get advice for tricky situations from people who’ve “been there, done that” and since it just happened to them, it’s still very fresh in their minds- they know exactly what you need to know. For example, one woman this week (in the “two week wait” period) asked what to do when her husband keeps asking her if she’s feeling anything, anything at all, that might mean she’s pregnant. He’s clearly not helping her and she knows he needs support, but she’s so stressed she can’t be the one to help him. She wanted to know if it’s okay to tell him she can’t deal with it… that he needs to go to someone else to get support right now? The facilitator of the group reassured her that it’s totally fine to be honest… that right now we really need to be all about taking care of ourselves and that it’s not selfish!

If your clinic doesn’t have a support group, go to http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=cop_arsg_home. Resolve can help you find support groups near your location. They say that there’s a study that shows that people who attend Resolve support groups have higher pregnancy rates than people who don’t go to the groups! Now that’s a pretty good reason to get a move on and get to a group, don’t you think?

IVM: simply a mirage on the horizon or a miracle of modern science?

Have you heard of IVM (in vitro maturation)? It’s a breakthrough in infertility treatment. It’s still quite new, so it may be hard to find clinics that do it. It could turn out to be a God-send for bipolar patients who are terrified of the mood problems associated with many fertility drugs.

In vitro maturation involves retrieving immature eggs, therefore the patient doesn’t need to take drugs to mature the eggs inside her body. It is more difficult to retrieve the eggs this way. Following the retrieval, the eggs are treated differently than they are in in vitro fertilization.

It seems to be quite a bargain. The costs can be one-third of the traditional treatment allowing people to be treated even if they don’t have insurance for IVF. It may cost only $5,000 versus the $12,000-$15,000 bill you’ll get with a typical IVF cycle. The reduced costs are due to less required monitoring and using little or no drugs.

Should you pursue IVM? It all comes down to whether you are the cautious or adventurous type (or maybe how desperate you are!) Do you feel uneasy undergoing experimental treatments that are not yet mainstream? Or do you feel you are doing society a favor by being a bit of a guinea pig? Some say: "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is!" Maybe… but then don’t most breakthroughs in science sound too good to be true at first? So far there have been more than 400 successful births from IVM worldwide.

If you’re looking for a clinic where you can have IVM done, check out these websites: http://www.batzofinfertilityservices.com and www.dvifg.com

The Incredible Opt-out Clause

It’s important for me to not feel pressured because pressure is stress. (Stress… what’s that? Never heard of it…) Stress that billows into the sky like a thunder cloud about ready to burst is an unfair opponent, especially for people who have bipolar disorder. Beat that nasty opponent before the game even starts. How? It’s called strategy. At the beginning of our infertility treatment, I made a verbal agreement with my hubby that I like to call the "opt-out clause."

We agreed that at ANY point during infertility treatment, if either one of us feels that it’s all too much, we can choose to stop treatment. No pressure. It relaxes me to know that I can stop at any time, and that my husband won’t be angry with me for wimping out. It’s like our pressure valve- well, one of our pressure valves… we have many.

If you were a fly on the wall at my first appointment, you could have heard my voice quaking and seen my nervous fidgeting. The only way I could have sat still through that would’ve been if I’d been glued down. You (as a fly on the wall) would not have called me brave! And no… I didn’t take a class in reading the minds of flies so don’t ask… but hey, if you’re teaching one, let me know! I have to say that without our wonderful opt-out clause, I would not have had the guts to start treatment.

Introducing myself

I’m a 34-year-old woman with bipolar disorder and I’m currently undergoing treatment for infertility. I wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar disorder until I was 30 years old, just 3 months after I got married. (I know, a wonderful surprise for my new husband!) I was put on Seroquel and Depakote. These medications helped me tremendously, but made it difficult to start a family. I tapered off the meds at least twice as I tried to go med-free so we could conceive.

After one and a half years of trying to conceive with no positive pregnancy tests, we decided to see a specialist. A couple of job changes along with switching insurance delayed our appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. In January of 2009, we finally had our first appointment.

My Reproductive Endocrinologist is also a licensed psychiatrist! How amazing is that? I told him right away that I was bipolar. Personally, I think it’s important to tell your R.E. He DIDN’T say "No, you shouldn’t undergo infertility treatment since you’re bipolar". He did talk with my husband about how we could have back-up care for the baby during the difficult post-partum period. (My husband is planning to take off work for a whole month and then hire someone else to do night duty after that.) My R.E. also required that I see a therapist weekly and stay under the care of my regular psychiatrist. He had phone conversations with my regular psychiatrist at the beginning of my treatment to learn more about my history and any recommendations, etc.

All the tests so far show no particular reason for our infertility. I went through 2 rounds of Clomid with intrauterine insemination with not much of a response. It seems I need something stronger than Clomid.

Also I reluctantly went back on 25 mg. Seroquel to sleep at night. I was having trouble sleeping, but it might have been due to starting on a thyroid medication, rather than the fertilty meds. Anyhow, I’m able to sleep now and we’re proceeding.

I did one month of injectables with IUI but I still got my period. I had produced four follicles so that was good. (Before my first IUI I looked up percentages of success per cycle online so that has helped me not get my hopes up too much.)

Currently I’m sitting out this month with an ovarian cyst so I get a nice break from all the shots! We plan on doing one more cycle of IUI (our fourth) before proceeding to IVF.

I’ve been blessed that the infertility treatment and the stress of infertility in general have not really destabilized me. I was afraid that the fertility drugs might cause mood changes (it’s listed among the side effects) but so far I’ve actually been surprisingly stable. It helps tremendously that my life right now is fairly low-stress as I’m not working outside the home and my personal relationships are very supportive.

So that’s a summary. Much more to come… I want this blog to provide some encouragement for others who are facing the same challenges. You’re not alone!