Update:

In 2009, we went through four IUI treatments and three IVF treatments. All failed. Since two of the IUI treatment cycles were with injectible medications, I’ve now done five cycles with the shots. It’s definitely taken a toll on my body. I still have ongoing discomfort in my midsection, even though my last cycle was in December.

January 2010 found us switching to a new Reproductive Endocrinologist, doing more blood tests, and a hysteroscopy with an endometrial biopsy. That’s when we got the yellow light. They found abnormal cells in my uterus. My Reproductive Endocrinologist referred me to a Gyn-oncologist. Yesterday I finally saw the oncologist (waiting seems to take forever when you think you might have cancer!). He gave me the green light to continue fertility treatment! He sees nothing to worry about and said the cells they found were NOT precancerous. Whew! We’re hoping to do our fourth IVF treatment in May at SIRM in Manhattan.

Emotionally, I’m feeling resignation. I feel like I’m beginning to accept our childless life. I have moments when I still feel wistful, especially since I find every baby and every toddler that I see downright adorable. My motherly instincts are still there. When I hear a baby crying nearby, I long to take it in my arms and comfort it, rocking it gently. However, after going through so many failed treatments and learning about multiple causes for our infertility (we just keep on racking up the possible causes!), I’m no longer planning on being a mother. I’m beginning to look for other sources of fulfillment.

We have the green light from the doctor and we will keep on trying. I’m putting my foot back on the accelerator – Here we go! (Just hope our car isn’t a Toyota with a gas pedal that sticks… we’ll have to hit a red light at some point). I’m not sure exactly what our destination will be (parenthood or child-free living), but we are grateful for the chance to at least try… so grateful that I don’t need a hysterectomy (gasp!) at age 35 and that we have insurance coverage for these treatments when so many do not.

Oh, and in case you can’t tell… my winter blahs are gone! Spring is here tomorrow! I am so ready for Spring!

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